Ugh I am finally doing all of the things in Boston that I wanted to be doing when I first moved here except this place is already dead and ruined and my heart is already sunken and grey and set on leaving so please stop being my friend, everyone, so I can remember that I have to leave here.
Drinker of Coffee, Maker of Zines, Cat & Dog Mum
Posts tagged dear diary
Being an adult is hard because I always think I’m on top of things and then I end up having to have these biweekly overhauls where I realize I am not actually on top of things and spend the whole day catching up. These things usually include: paying the electric bill, paying my parking tickets, paying my credit debt down, planning my week/month, buying groceries and not feeding myself bullshit/eating out 24-7.
On the plus side, my first paycheck from my new job rolled in at the same time as one of my last full-time paychecks from Fomu and ~dang. Also today I got a raise! I can actually afford a luxury purchase or two for the first time in a long time. After I spent so long broke and jobless I feel like I’m living like a queen.
I just want to feel interested and excited about something that isn’t travel. What is it about my daily life that’s so unfulfilling? What am I constantly running away from by spending all of my time traveling or daydreaming about traveling? Every major trip I take I always feel like I’ll be satisfied afterwards, refreshed somehow, and maybe sometimes I am but it always wear off and the fog of normalcy inevitably suffocates me in the end.
I started working out again in the mornings, just a little easy yoga and Pilates but I’m like damn. Even if it does nothing to help me get healthier/stronger/etc it sure makes me feel more positive about the day.
Also I made a big pitcher of lemon water today, A+, very refreshing.
Settling in to the old heavy melancholy again but at least this feeling is recognizable, dependable, and most importantly predictable.
I’ve seen and done so many things and frankly the enormity of a lot of it has been lost on me in the moment and I often look back and wish I’d appreciated the grandness, and excitement, and exhilaration of it all much more. I spend most of my time restless and bored with my current situation and wishing for new things, anything, something shocking or awful, just something—anything to make me feel again.
I wish I’d reminded myself more that money isn’t real and fuck it. I wish I’d spent less time focused on dead and decaying relationships and more time appreciating people who would later turn out to be so valuable to me. I guess what I’m saying is that I will never, ever, do that again, and maybe that’s positive but its feeling awfully nostalgic right now and I think I need to go bake some cookies and fucking cope.
Instantly likes every picture of plants that exists on the internet but believes I couldn’t survive outside of the city.
Thoroughly freaking out
about all the events I agreed to do with Sweet as the South coming up in the next few weeks. Can I bake that many things in one weekend? Am I even going to make money off of this? Being jobless, I certainly can’t afford to LOSE money. HOW DO YOU PLAN FOR AN EVENT? How many treats should I bake?! I’m feeling very nervous and hopeless about this whole endeavor and kind of wanting to hide in a hole and never come out. I feel so out of my element. HALP.
Pushing through depression to accomplish my goals is maybe one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Sometimes it’s all that I can do just to not let myself throw in the towel, let alone push things along and further the bakery. I think I take set backs in the business much harder than the average person but dammit I’m trying.
There’s a lot of starting and stopping and taking breaks for my mind to catch up to my ambitions and I worry all the time about whether or not these breaks are going to eventually cause the business to fail.